[. You Might Find You .]

I should change my background some time.

I was going to post, and then read through my previous entry. Well, obviously I'm still posting.

I feel that itch of growth. Growing into the person I want to be, growing on this path I've chosen for whatever reasons, inherent or learned. It reminded me to stop and be thankful for my endeavours to attain serenity and contentment.

I meditate almost nightly now. I play Zamba the Big Fish Ukulele every night, and whenever I need a break from a hectic world that can drive my once-tranquil mind into an electron cloud of constant cluttered thoughts. I read children's books (Oh! The Places You'll Go, The Contented Little Pussy Cat, Love You Forever) every day. I don't eat out of anything but hunger, and watch my diet not to fit an unrealistic (for me) image of beauty, but for an authentic desire for health and happiness.

My panic has ebbed away. I can feel its grasp loosening. I can feel myself stepping away from it, back into light. It was panic of all these things that never came to be, because no matter what has gone wrong I have always dealt with them wielding whatever integrity and grace and compassion I can sum up. It has not let me down yet. Things are not as dark as my anxieties try to convince me.

Just idle thoughts on my current path, my pilgrim soul path. Pilgrim. Thanksgiving has come and gone, Solstice is well on its way. I will be in the arms of my family soon for nights warm indoors with love, admiring cool snowdrops pattering blanketed ground. New England--it will forever hold a piece of my heart.

The housemates are starting a corny horror film downstairs and I don't want to miss out, so I'm taking my laptop (it is still National Novel Writing Month!) and heading down to cook, watch and write.

Despite the turmoil of university work, lack of funding (forever), lack of romantic love (but not at all a dearth of Love) and fear of a future unknown...I feel at peace. Happy. Content in my itchy-growth skin.

Goodnight, all! Even if 'all' is just me. I will still be happy. :)

Love,
Kiwi & Zamba

[. You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first .]

Regina's going to sing my soul for a second. Reminds me of Lee cabin, up in the beautiful place that is Rowe.

I guess right now I'm looking for any escapism thoughts. I miss the reality break that was Falcon Ridge. Staying in a tent, flittering around with or without friends, carrying around a uke, seeing old and new musical loves... It was wonderful.

I miss Rowe. Staying in a cabin with girls who touch my heart on a daily basis. Running around with Jenny and a new vibrator, giggling and introducing our new "child" because we're just a silly bunch... Staying up all night in the Rec Hall spinning in the Big Fucking Bowl, because in simple times the simplest things are funny. Dancing out in the rain in our underwear on the front porch, just because it's raining and that's what we get the urge to do.

I miss Ferry Beach with crazy UU's and late nights with the senior youth. The epic battle of "Senior Youth vs. 'the Committee'" and the silly song I made up that we all sang.

Escapism is so easy in those places. I forget things like my whole household being unemployed, my father receiving his last fully pay check, my brother still buying fast food every day, my nervous pecking of unhealthy food and no exercise, my inability to find a job and fear with the small random things I have picked up, the idea of going back to university and the stress of it again.

I'm afraid of eBay right now. Why is there always fear with what I'm supposed to do when I'm being paid? Or just doing something for someone? I can never take a step to the left and just Be--get out of the whirling anxiety and just sit there with myself, realise I have skills and that things will work out, and even if I CAN'T do something, if I have integrity and work through the situation, things are alright. Fine. Okay.

I keep having the urge to just sit around playing the ukulele and writing songs. Endlessly. It's funny, too, because I don't have ANY intention of being a musician one day. I just like my little uke, like writing songs, like singing. Like I enjoy writing novels and drawing. Just another random thing in the list of eclectic list of what I do with my free time. But it's all I want to do, because right now it's not frightening.

I think I miss people. But I think I like being lonely, a little bit. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.

I know fear. I would prefer not to. But, hey, I guess that's the world today. Maybe today I'll be able to take a step to the left and take a big breath.

[. Sour Morning .]

I woke up before noon.

Some people may not know the significance of this.

However, I will alert one to this fact: "Wake up before noon" is literally on my To Do List (TDL). Must not happen very much, eh? :S

Also, I watched my first episode of 30 Rock and I'm in love. I'm a little Liz Lemon (if that's remembering her name correctly). I would so do the hot dog thing. And be a writer. And have integrity over all else. I want to grow up to be a Lemon. :P

Appropriate

The blog theme is not cooler but less appropriate. Realised how bored I was of the one that came without effort from the site, all green and an eye-sore.

So first I tried to go for one ironically enough called "pure" (just a park bench in snow) but it didn't work so I went for a second one that I found, "lingerie." Less than school appropriate, I imagine, but thank heavens I'm not in high school anymore!

However I have billions (exaggeration) of things to do so I need to get on to them. Blog swaps and applications and sermonettes oh my.

Fussers

I wish I had a Fussers at my school/in my halls.

Where we could all go with our computers to "work" and where it had to be silent study but we would all be talking on the wonderful Internet.

Which is kind of what I get when I go to the library and use a library computer, but my friends aren't in the room.

I WANT A FUSSERS! Stupid Smith college. WHY DID I NOT GO TO YOU?

(Because you wouldn't be in England, my dear Kiwi. And you know how much you love it here.)

((Alright, Self, you're right in this case. I hate it when you're sensible.))

Current Book List

Book List for 2009

1) Mystic Faerie Tarot by Linda Ravenscroft and Barbara Moore. ***
2) Melting Stones by Tamora Pierce. ****
3) One Degree of Separation by Karin Kallmaker. ****
4) Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. *****
5) The Little Prince by Antoine De Saint-Exupery. *****
6) The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. ****
7) Odd Girl Out by Ann Bannon. **
8) Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. *****
9) Slut!: Growing up Female with a Bad Reputation by Leora Tanenbaum. ****
10) Twelve by Nick McDonell. *****
11) This Piece of Eden (Meditations) by Vanessa Rush Southern. ***
12) Kierkegaard in 90 Minutes by Paul Strathern. ***
13) The Lesbian Love Companion (How to Survive Everything from Heartthrob to Heartbreak) by Marny Hall. *****
14) My Old Journal (A tradition when I finish a journal; it counts as a book to me). ***
15) Death The Final Stage of Growth by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. *****
16) How to Be an Adult by Nerissa and Katryna Nields. *****
17) Bad Girls by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
18) Matilda by Roald Dahl. *****
19) Best Lesbian Erotica 2009 edited by Tristan Taormino. **
20) A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. *****
21) How to Survive Summer Camp by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
22) The Suitcase Kid by Jacqueline Wilson. ****
23) Brisingr by Christopher Paolini. **
24) Sprinting Backwards to God by Grandfather Duncan Sings-Alone. *****


To Read List

1) The Cosmic Trilogy (Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra and That Hideous Strength) by C. S. Lewis. Pg. 85
2) The Edge of the Sea by Rachel Carson. Pg. 20
3) Always, Rachel (The Letters of Rachel Carson and Dorothy Freeman, 1952-1964 The Story of a Remarkable Friendship) edited by Martha Freeman. Page unknown.
4) The Lesbian Pillow Book edited by Alison Hennegan. Pg. 57.
5) Compass of the Heart by Priscilla Cogan.
6) The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Pg. 173 of second novel.
7) The Book of Est by Luke Rhinehart.
8) The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory.
9) The Essential Teachings of Zen Master Hakuin translated by Norman Waddell.
10) The Crack at Dusk: Crook of Dawn by Priscilla Cogan.
11) The Scarred Soul (Understanding & Ending Self-Inflicted Violence) by Tracy Alderman.
12) Voices of Earth and Sky by Vinson Brown.
13) Spirituality for the Skeptic (The Thoughtful Love of Life) by Robert C. Solomon.
14) The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart (A Poetry Anthology) edited by Robert Bly, James Hillman, and Michael Meade.
15) The Philosopher's Stone by Colin Wilson.
16) Misha Red Spider White Web by James P. Blaylock.
17) Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.
18) Women Who Run with the Wolves (Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype) by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.
19) Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver.
20) Dragons of Winter Night (Dragonlance Chronicles Volume II) by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman.
21) Dragons of Spring Dawning (Dragonlance Chronicles Volume II) by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman.
22) The Sorcerers' Crossing (A Woman's Journey) by Taisha Abelar.
23) The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.
24) Codependent No More (How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself) by Melody Beattie.
25) The Sound of Paper (Starting from Scratch) by Julia Cameron.
26) Keeper of the Flame (The Story of Mary Magdalen) by Leslie Chyten.
27) A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.
28) The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson edited by Thomas H. Johnson.
29) Echoes by Danielle Steel.
30) The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck (suggested by Attiya).

I Exist (Maybe)

My grandmother bought me a paid account at livejournal, but I still spend lots of time looking at things over here. Maybe I should make an effort to at least make a weekly post or something. Hmmm. And update my Sixth Floor quote blog! Which means stop hanging out alone in my room pretending to work. (Procrastination, you smite me! Stop it!)

Aaaanyway, rock on paid membership! 19, been on since I was 13, and finally paid membership! Grandmothers win.

I've got my poster on margays due in on Friday. I have tomorrow off, but I want to go to the LGBT coffee meetup. Despite that I don't drink coffee. Who cares!

KIWI, WORK! NOW! You worked yourself harder in high school! You worked yourself for COLLEGE CLASSES harder in high school! Act together, starting... now.

(At least think of it as procrastinating on your procrastination, and get some more done.)