[. You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first .]

Regina's going to sing my soul for a second. Reminds me of Lee cabin, up in the beautiful place that is Rowe.

I guess right now I'm looking for any escapism thoughts. I miss the reality break that was Falcon Ridge. Staying in a tent, flittering around with or without friends, carrying around a uke, seeing old and new musical loves... It was wonderful.

I miss Rowe. Staying in a cabin with girls who touch my heart on a daily basis. Running around with Jenny and a new vibrator, giggling and introducing our new "child" because we're just a silly bunch... Staying up all night in the Rec Hall spinning in the Big Fucking Bowl, because in simple times the simplest things are funny. Dancing out in the rain in our underwear on the front porch, just because it's raining and that's what we get the urge to do.

I miss Ferry Beach with crazy UU's and late nights with the senior youth. The epic battle of "Senior Youth vs. 'the Committee'" and the silly song I made up that we all sang.

Escapism is so easy in those places. I forget things like my whole household being unemployed, my father receiving his last fully pay check, my brother still buying fast food every day, my nervous pecking of unhealthy food and no exercise, my inability to find a job and fear with the small random things I have picked up, the idea of going back to university and the stress of it again.

I'm afraid of eBay right now. Why is there always fear with what I'm supposed to do when I'm being paid? Or just doing something for someone? I can never take a step to the left and just Be--get out of the whirling anxiety and just sit there with myself, realise I have skills and that things will work out, and even if I CAN'T do something, if I have integrity and work through the situation, things are alright. Fine. Okay.

I keep having the urge to just sit around playing the ukulele and writing songs. Endlessly. It's funny, too, because I don't have ANY intention of being a musician one day. I just like my little uke, like writing songs, like singing. Like I enjoy writing novels and drawing. Just another random thing in the list of eclectic list of what I do with my free time. But it's all I want to do, because right now it's not frightening.

I think I miss people. But I think I like being lonely, a little bit. I don't know. I don't know anything right now.

I know fear. I would prefer not to. But, hey, I guess that's the world today. Maybe today I'll be able to take a step to the left and take a big breath.